Thanks to the glory of the Virtual Console I was reunited with a childhood favorite.

If you’ve ever played the first TJ&E, chances are “Panic on Funkotron” is the one you prefer.

Not to say that the first isn’t good, it’s just not nearly as fun as the second.

The premise of this classic is simple:

Earthlings clung to ToeJam & Earl’s ship when they left Earth in the first game.

When they arrived back home on the planet Funkotron, it became infested with aliens

[keeping in mind humans are aliens on Funkotron]

in the form of

tourists who blind you with cameras, little ginger girls, black boys throwing baseballs,

poodles, a construction worker, the fuckin’ Bogeyman!

…

The tooth fairy (for some reason equipped with laughing powder)

a cow’s ghost…

A COW’S GHOST!

Back to the plot:

Your mission,

seeing as how ToeJam & Earl didn’t seem to notice that an army of Earthlings somehow hitched a ride,

is to capture them all in jars.

Yes, jars.

How do you accomplish this?

By pummeling those god damned Earthlings in the mouth with them

This causes them to be compacted within the tiny confines of a jar.

Capture all the Earthlings, check them in a potato sack and chuck them into a rocket.

A rocket with “To Earth” in neon letters

In case you forgot where EARTHlings go.

You can do all sorts of fun things.

Enjoy the low gravity on Funkotron by bouncing off of fungus and doing flips for a panel of judges…

Panic in the face of danger!

[Panic Mode lets you go apeshit and run around throwing jars about when surrounded by Earthlings]

[Another move for when things get hairy is the Funk Vac, sucking multiple Earthlings into one jar]

The trippy HyperFunk Zone.

You’d have to see it to believe it and I couldn’t find any pictures.

How do I explain this.

Have you ever had a cold and took a little too much Robitussin?

Then you say “Fuck it!” and drink like three more bottles?

Then a door opens in mid-air, filled with colors and early 90s designs

So you say “Fuck it!” and jump in?

Then you find yourself in an alternate reality

Where you have to run to pick up presents, clocks and a lightning bolt to run faster?

And if you don’t compact every particle in your body so the forces of…

squiggly lines doesn’t slow you down?

That’s what it’s like…

Oh yeah, and you get to beat box!

So if you want a fun game full of odd hip hop/funk references,

Aliens, Seuss-like settings, and Funk Scans

You’ll enjoy this game.

You will also enjoy it if…

you’re on drugs.

Let’s be real, here.

Have you seen these screen shots?

Trip City.

A great game, nonetheless.

Chiggity check it, before you wreck it!

And don’t worry,

they have water on Funkotron to remedy your cottonmouth.

You know what I’m talking about.

Toejam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron (U) [!]