Batman: Arkham Asylum

“But, Tom!”, you ask, “Good Batman games have been made in the past! Remember this gem? ” Very true, but one thing is for damn certain. This was a high budget title. A game that was looked forward to. A Batman game. But more importantly, a superhero game. And now we’ve all seen it with our own eyes. Yes, dear readers, we not only have a good superhero game, we have a great superhero game. Not only does Arkham Asylum fit into the source material so well, but it satisfies Batman comic nerds, gamers, casuals, and the ever-growing category of Achievement Whores. This is a game that should be played by, truly, everyone, regardless of gaming style or Batman know-how.

Ghostbusters: The Video Game

Remember this? If that wasn’t painful enough… remember these? Well have you played this? The new Ghostbusters game that came out this summer is… good. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a great game. It has technical limitations and other problems that could have been fixed by more time in the dev-oven, but the point remains: This is not a bad game by any means. Saying that it is the best Ghostbusters game ever isn’t saying much, but reporting that this game is fun, is. This game contains fun, sticks wonderfully to the source material, is a huge compliment to Ghostbusters nerds, and most importantly, fun. Did I mention that playing this game was actually fun? I had real, non-diluted, 100%  not-from-concentrate enjoyment while playing this game. Yet another sign of the coming meteor strike that will wipe earth from this very galaxy.

The only thing left to happen (since Sonic and Mario have starred in a game together..) is for there to be an absolutely mind-blowing Superman game. Which we all know won’t ever happen. For now, Earth will continue on, but if you want a reason to plan ahead, here’s a list of why the end of the world won’t happen for some time:

• Nintendo is still making retarded changes to their handheld lineup.
• Nintendo is still making fucking weird Wii hardware.
• A Spyro film is coming out, and no one cares.
• Video game movies still suck.
• Bunjie is still making Halo games
• and fanboys are still buying these overly-hyped mediocre shooters.

Go ahead and make your own informed decision about the rest of your life, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Well fuck. Another childhood favorite biting the dust, being slain in the backdraft of what used to be original. Gather ’round, childrens, and I’ll tell you a tale of wonderment and severed spinal chords. A journey to fight an old man with no feet and his four-armed Shokan pet named… Scruffy? A tournament leading to-GORO!… it was Goro…- A tournament leading to destiny by means of ascension via violent gore! Testing your might through blood-battered fisticuffs and occasionally breaking diamond blocks without cutting your knuckles to mush. Progression through varied tales of the saga brought fun times and not so fun times. Sometimes, you’d have to look up store hours because you broke the controller on a table corner because KINTARO CAN JUMP AND THROW YOU AND YOUR DREAMS OF VICTORY TO THE GROUND.

Which brings me wanting to kill fictional people/creatures in a FUN and CREATIVE manner. That’s right, the ever-infamous FATALITY. The right combination of buttons and BOOM! … BOOM! … BOOM!

And, every once in awhile

And, more often than not, this happens

However, recently the Fatality we all know and love has been compromised. A visit to the Tube of You had me a little peeved at the lack of “umph!” Not from a strictly bloody standpoint, I mean the creative edge to the fatality. Like Liu Kang’s classic “MK Arcade Machine Falling from the Sky” trick (which IS in MK vs. DC… but I’ve SEEN that shit many a time), or the “Make the World Explode with a Metric Fuck-Ton of Bombs to Kill One Person” gem.

Keep in mind, MK vs. DC was in MK’s arena. MK had the home field advantage and they dropped the ball as far as the Fatality goes. Yes, they had to downgrade to a “T” rating, but did that really call for innovation to plunge down the chute? Hell, most of the “Heroic” Brutalities you see from DC Heroes are more harsh than most of the Mortal Kombatant’s Fatalities. Which is odd because you’d think with how insane some of the crushing blows can be (i.e. Superman freezing the opponent, lifting them to the sky, dropping them and landing on their pelvis… ouch). One thing I did like in the “Heroic Brutality” area of things was, with little surprise, the Green Lantern’s finishing moves. I can’t tell if it’s due to bias or if all the other finishers just suck.

Not all were a waste of time, but a lot of them were. The one fatality that made me say “YES! THIS GAME IS GOING TO BE BADASS!” was altered for the sake of white parents who want their kids coddled for them. I’m talking about the Joker’s “Fake-Out Gun then Shoot that Maw Fucka with a Real Gun” Fatality. It was simple, but it was made of the things that made Mortal Kombat great. When the footage of the final product of moved the camera towards the Joker when he fired the gun, I realized that what was once the Powerhouse of convenient, living room-ready violence had bowed down to suck off the the WHITE man.

I really hope this game has fantastic gameplay, because it still looks like it can be fun. And it’s not like you have to pull off a “Mercy” or defeat your opponent with low kicks to set up a shitty Fatality. They all look pretty easy to execute (buh duh, tssssh!) and the interactive environments may save this title. As far as the art of the Fatality is concerned, the next MK (if they decide to make another one) or MK crossover better have an ABSURD amount of violence. I’m talking Cannibal Holocaust head-butting Kill Bill in the vag while Planet Terror curb-stomps the elevator scene in The Shining. Like if Niagara Falls were on its period, that would be close to what I’m getting at.

Part two of this report will come after I have a chance to play the game.

STAY TUNED!