“Guru Meditation” is an iPhone/Atari 2600 game from mid-2009 that you probably haven’t heard of, and as far as I know it’s the kind of indie-art game that people point to as being “unfun” and “pretentious.” While I can see the “unfun,” I can’t really see the pretension. Made by Ian Bogost, the game appears to be a commentary and an homage about/to games that attempt to be relaxing, but can be unintentionally stressful. A good example of this is thatgamecompany’s “Cloud,” their first release, which is supposedly relaxing, but I found hair shreddingly difficult. The other item that the game is meant to refer to is the Atari’s balance board peripheral, a sloppy early implementation of what would later become the Wii Fit Board.

It’s interesting to see a game that intentionally comments upon the art form, and the game is extremely successful in its efforts to be incredibly annoying yet look like it should be calming. You hold the iPhone with both thumbs pressed down on two corners while maintaining a completely flat position and the slightest movement leads to failure, then it times you to see how long you last. Couldn’t go 30 seconds…think my record is 29.

For 99 cents I’m not disappointed. And it hasn’t stopped me from being intruiged by Bogost’s next project.

However, I would like to quickly address the idea of “fun” being an essential element to video games. “Unfun” games have frequently been called out for not being immersive enough, the problem I have with these statements is that they act as counter productive nay-saying. Bad design tends to be the true Achilles’s Heel of gaming, while one has a hard time calling “Silent Hill 2″ a fun way to spend the evening. Fun is for toys. Interesting, deep, and meaningful are words I tend to look for to describe my games. While “Guru Meditation” is interesting, I can’t advice people from the Kill Zone crowd to jump on it. It’s designed almost for academic reasons, as an exploration of old mechanics and certain philosophies within the medium, like one would study Joyce, Chekhov, or Fellini – their works aren’t “fun” but they need examination to understand their mediums. This is why “fun” doesn’t work as a selling point for all art: Fun things don’t usually make us think, they often prevent thought. I don’t say this to decry fun games, just to say that there is more to life.

“Guru Meditation” is probably the most recent game out for Atari 2600 to be released, it is also for the iPhone and iPod Touch, though I wouldn’t recommend purchasing it unless you are familiar with and enjoy the works of Ian Bogost.

Yes, it says PC Engine despite it being on the Turbo Grafx 16 only. And yes, it says it was made by Namcot instead of Namco. And yes, this game is filled with some Engrish.

You start out the game in your hometown, Etroit. You’ll find that all the towns are named after real cities in some lame way. Your father says “I know you’ll be World Champ someday.” Then, you leave. It’s got about as much story as Xenosaga, so I know its hard to swallow, but just ignore the taste and you’ll be fine.

The game works in a loop. You will go into town and find the new parts. You will not have enough money to buy them, especially when all the parts start getting to be $40000, so you will walk around outside the city racing random people you meet. There are a good number of people to race, and the amount of money you get from each correlates to the cost of the equipment in the city. Once you gather up the best stuff you got, you will travel to the local champ and defeat him or her. (lol wut wimens cant race) After the race, you will get that local champs secret part.

I have to point out the fact that they are called “secret parts.” Everyone knows about them, and people will tell you what these parts are and what they do. They include a map, transport box, coupons, a “secret part” that comes with a compass, a “secret part” that comes with a key, and a “secret part” that comes with a pass to skip races. The problem is that these three “secret parts” that you get are not really explained at all. For some reason, you dont get a “secret part” with some of the parts, but they still count as secret parts. They must have thought that a compass, key, and racing pass are not secret enough. But except for the transport box, there is nothing secret AT ALL about coupons or a map. Man, fuck trying to understand this logic.

This game is filled with little goodies all over the place, giving you the ability to search any space you are on. Mostly you’ll find mostly trash, but sometimes you will find incredible items, or the game will piss you off by saying that you found an amazing Wing for your car, but you cant lift it. Damn.

Essentially, this is a good game, one that I have played since I was 6 or 7, but flaws are there. I would recommend you pick this up if you can find it, as it is the only caRPG ever made, but be prepared for a slower paced game (especially if you pick the auto mode which just has you watch the random races), and get ready to face a fucking difficult final boss that I still can’t beat.

Is this a weird father son sex scene? Maybe. You decide!

Ok, that title is a little misleading… but I knew it would catch your eyes. Ya sick fucks, ya! You think we didn’t notice the hits we get from people who type “japanese rape game” into a search engine? You sick fucks. But, hey,  you come to our site so… NO, I’m not covering a “JAPANESE RAPE GAME”, why would think I’d be doing a post on a “JAPANESE RAPE GAME”? That’s crazy!
However, I almost did a review on “Golden Axe” while thinking about “Legendary Axe.” Thus, I said fuck it and decided to review both.

Legendary Axe

What’s that? You say you want a clone of “Castlevania” and the like? But you want a fun one with good music? That’s a tall order, but I think I can help you out. There’s a catch… you have to have a TurbroGrafx 16. There’s a tall order to match your tall order!
“Legendary Axe” is the name of the game! Like I said, it’s very similar to the “Castlevania” format. So you can probably tell, assuming you like “Castlevania”, you’re going to have some fun.

One of the pluses of this hidden gem is the attack system. Chiggity check it!
Throughout the game, you’ll find … I don’t know…. medallions? These aren’t medallions you’ll find in granny’s trunk of ancient artifacts. Every time you nab one, a meter fills up at the top of the screen. The more it fills, the more powerfully you swing the axe and crack an orc in the teeth.

(as you can see, whoever is playing here is in good standing)

The music is pretty sick. Which is a pretty good thing considering you’ll be listening to the assorted tracks a LOT. Because of a slight detail I forgot to mention… this game is a tricky. I’m talkin’ tricky tricky, and not like the Lou Bega’s final single in America. I’m talking the kind where you have to play, and play, and play until you figure out the numerous mischevious curtails.

(be sure to watch out for killer moths!)

Prang and I played this game a good bit before anger got the best of us.  This game doesn’t play fair, but the challenge to beat it under those circumstances is like a drug. At one poin’t you have to battle a bunch of giant, floating eyeballs. As if the battle weren’t insane enough, there’s a good chance you’ll fall into “Father Time’s Corner.” This is a place you don’t want to be, but sometimes that’s the only way to survive. These eyeballs will float around the side of the screen you’re on and CONTINUOUSLY ATTACK YOU. When one goes away, another comes at you, and so on and so forth. And you have to crouch in the fucking corner until these incessant iris carriers relent. Which could take minutes! That doesn’t sound like a lot until you’re there… then you know why I refer to it as “Father Time’s Corner”… ‘cause you could very well be there forever if the game deems you that much of a threat. I doubt it is actually programmed to do that, but “Legendary Axe” is shady so I wouldn’t be surprised if some sort of black magic is involved.

However, despite the odds being against you there is hope. It just involves a lot of grinding and figuring out exactly where enemies are coming at you from

Golden Axe

A classic arcade sidescroller for the arcade &  Sega System 16, “Golden Axe” takes you on a sideways journey. Now to give fair warning, some of these are screen shots from other “Golden Axe” games. But they’re all, for the most part, the same game. So they’re just examples… plus they were all I could find. Three Medieval-style characters to choose from:

Gilius Thunderhead

And dwarf rockin’ a double-headed axe. My personal favorite.

Ax Battler

Oddly enough, he lacks an axe. Rather, he wields a broadsword.

Tyris Flare

An amazonian chick with a long-sword.

Oh yeah, check out that pixely goodness, ya sick fucks! HA!

For reasons not interesting enough to go into, these heroes three are heading to the castle of Death Adder (great name, I know) to save the King of Yuria and his daughter. Throughout the game you’ll learn to utilize techniques such as the running shoulder ram, the falling slash attack, and spells fueled by blue potions. You’re attacked by Death Adder’s henchmen, some of which ride fun creatures you can hop on and increase your chances of attack… depending on the situation you find yourself in. Make sure you knock enemies far away from a beast when attempting to mount, or they’ll knock you right off and hop back on. If you take this precaution you’ll be rewarded with a mythical creature that can either belch/vomit fire or trip enemies with it’s tail! What fun!

Be weary, for when you go to sleep…
GNOMES WILL STEAL YOUR POTIONS!
OHNOOOOOOO!

The good news is you can get the back by knocking the snot out of dwarves. Gnomes clothed in blue hold potions, green carry food to restore your life.

The key to getting through this game is to know the measure of the somewhat limited moving capabilities. Also making proper use of potions will get you further on the path to Death Adder. Once you get there, you’re on your own. I haven’t made it that far yet. And probably won’t for some time because other games take priority.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this double axe-tion action!

And for your patience, you’ll be rewarded with more girls kissing each other.

YAAAAAAAAY )

Don’t say I never did anything for you!

HAPPY VD!

In it, you play as Bubby and/or Bobby. These two flamboyant umbrella-wielding chunk-a-lunks travel to these planets that say “SOS” in a fashion that would make you think they’re going to save the plane. But upon further inspection of this TG16 classic, I’ve realized I this could very well be a political cartoon in 8-bit motion (Don’t let them fool you, TG16 is 8-bit, not 16) because there is no way they have the well being of the inhabitants of those planets in mind.

Most of the characters you come across look pretty harmless. If not harmless, non-threatening creatures who only seem guilty of fitting into their surroundings. Who is sending out the SOS on all these planets if there are only enemies around? Maybe THEY needed help, but you’re forced to destroy them with bubbles and such so you can stuff your face with foods (ranging from fruits, vegetables, drinks, sweets, etc.), collect crowns and money (I assume to take throne as the King of whatever planet you’re raping) and performing “Miracles” by picking up cards with elements on them.

If you get all three Stars together in a miracle, you get to play a bonus level/boss. Read into that what you will.

That’s another thing, there are some crazy Christian undertones. Did I say undertones? I meant hilarious blatant messages in the form of floods. And what happens if you don’t eat junk food, steal treasure, harness the elements to stun and murder animals and robots with bubbles before time runs out? Death comes after you! But if you do all that within the allotted time, you’re money. Apparently Death has some sort of protection service he provides. Death is in the mob.

Not only do you attack animals, you attack musical notes and instruments. Can’t forget about the casino planet where you have to incapacitate POKER CHIPS. Because on Planet Vegas, the only difference between a poker chip and a poker chip that can kill you is a set of eyes. Slot Machines, pianos, tree trunks and other creature creating vessels  release hordes of “enemies.” Clearly, they’re going after a lot of topics.

Only until the later levels do you really appear to be in any danger that would involve destroying everything living in the areas you land in. Then you have to fuck with giant robots and tanks because you’ve pissed everybody off by planet hopping and pillaging. There is one slight detail that calls for the destruction of your enemies, they kill you when they touch you. I find myself in a “chicken & the egg” thought pattern when trying to figure out if they attack you like a bunch of loons or if they’re preemptively striking because they know you’re going to attack? What if Bubby and Bobby are gangsters who travel the planets and hold everybody up for their loot! Myeh, see?!

All I’m saying is there’s something sketchy going on with those boys. If you see either of these men, contact authorities or a doctor… because you might have a tumor if you’re seeing those guys… since they’z isn’t real.

This Sweet 16 is brought to you by Tiger Road , released in 1990.

What a treat this is to play. Did I say treat? I meant bitch.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun and you get to play as Krillin’s stunt double. What’s not to like?

I’m not even going to pretend to know what this game is about. All I know is there is martial arts, weaponry and cool music. Here’s a little clip…

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=4ZhkUceV75k]

As you can see, it’s a pretty standard side scroller. However, the MOMENT you think you have things under control something pops outta left field and you’re either damaged or sent plummeting down a gap in the ground. That’s a big part of Tiger Road, knowing that at any moment you could be dead. Once you’ve got that embedded in your thought box you’re one step closer to completion.

Here’s the second step: PLAYING TIGER ROAD UNTIL YOU KNOW EVERY SINGLE NOOK AND CRANNY THAT IS INCLUDED IN IT’S ADVENTUROUS PATH.

One of the many games that requires constant gameplay and constant vigilance. 

To be honest, I’d love to put more pictures up on this maw fucka. But there is a lack of screenshots for some reason… possibly being because it isn’t a well known title and the ones who do know about it try to erase the anger and vexation of it’s recollection. I imagine it would cause an instant ulcer with a side of colon cancer.

I highly recommend this game but ONLY if you’re willing to bust your ass to know it like the back of… your ass…

OH! almost forgot!

Between every level, there is a bonus level meant to increase your vitality. The first being easy like a soccer mom on the 4th of July. If you can hold down a button for roughly 22 seconds, you’re gold!

I’m not gonna lie to you, I have yet to finish this game. It seems like every time I try to get through it stupid mistakes are made that usually end with me falling down a pit. This will remain a title that I try to beat throughout the rest of my life because I fear my dreams will be haunted otherwise.

Main points:

1. Keep your eyes PEELED. If you have a dependancy on blinking you might want to make better use of your time by taking a nap.
2. Expect retarded shit to happen at any moment.
3. Bosses require a lot of hits to be taken down, but deal a castrating amount of damage.
4. The music is fun, so crank and enjoy!
5. If you’re expecting an easy completion, you might be better off getting married… because wives are easier to beat than Tiger Road.

and on THAT joke about spousal abuse, I say farewell!

[scott]

“Parasol Stars” is both the 3rd game of the “Bubble Bobble” series and the sequel to a game entitled “Rainbow Islands”. There’s a whole web-like clusterfuck describing where Parasol Stars stands in the Bobble series, but I’m not going to go into that because it’s boring. And it’s part of the BUBBLE BOBBLE series… meaning two things:

1. It’s fun to play
2. Plot is not relevant

• [Skizz]