Despite constant setbacks in the development of this game, I’m quite confident of its eventual rise to power. Duke Nukem took the fuck OVER when Duke Nukem 3D hit like Michael Phelps’ bong. Before that, 2 2-D games opened up a pathway for 3D‘s booting badassery. After 3D, developers at 3D Realms discontinued, um, caring about the quality of Duke Nukem games. They made Duke Nukem 64, which included less violence, nudity/sexual themes and no cursing, but they included new levels. One of which was a haunted house which had… no enemies…

What many people forget or didn’t know about DN3D is the massive amount of pop culture references, clever humor and beautifully superfluous violence that made this game so magical. For example, at one point you wander into a chapel of some sort after escaping your own execution. Doesn’t look like much, really, until you look up to find a woman in Puritan garb HANGING BY A NOOSE FROM THE CEILING. Fucked up, yeah? Tip of the iceburg, bitches.

One of many things about the game I recall being really guano crazy were the babes you were supposed to “save.” In 64, they were catering to a wider audience so they had to change what constituted a “saved” babe. All you had to do there was press the action button (which would be used to open doors and unlock… doors) and they would be transported. Here’s where they failed to deliver in 64, the reason the babes need saving is because the aliens were mating with them. That’s right, those babes were getting railed by sextraterrestrials to keep the species going. So most of the chicks you find in the later chapters of 3D were beyond the point of no return. Saying things like “kill me” (Aliens reference) while they stare at you with crazy red eyes, wearing torn (clearly ravaged) bikinis.

Here’s where shit gets sticky: after completing every level you’re shown a screen displaying the number of aliens killed/how many left, how many babes saved/left, etc. You’ll notice the amount of aliens killed correlates with babes saved. Know why that is? Those lucky enough to play 3D back in the day are well aware. In Duke Nukem 3D, the only way to “save” babes is to FUCKING KILL THEM. That’s right, you have to kill them bitches! This pisses the aliens off like you wouldn’t believe. Whenever you kill a babe, whether they’ve been sexed up by aliens or not, a flock of enemies stampede at you. THAT’S how you kill all the aliens in every level. You have to find all the babes to do so.

Before I hit the real reason I started writing this, I’ll say something about the voice actor for Duke. His name is Jon St. John and he kinda seems like a prick. He might be a cool guy but when you attack my boy BRUCE CAMPBELL by calling him a “pampered” Hollywood actor, you’re asking for trouble. Here’s why it was brought up:

Many will recognize some key quotes like “come get some!” and “groovy” from the Evil Dead series. These quotes, as well as a reference to the infamous quote from “They Live!” (“I have come to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of bubblegum”), were IN DUKE NUKEM 3D. When questioned about these quotes, St. John started acting like a bitch and talking shit about Campbell. First off, Jon, were you even a little familiar with the career of Bruce when you called him “pampered?” He’s only recently been getting the attention he deserves… kinda… he deserves way more, actually. Not only that, but the reason you made so much scratch voicing Duke was because of gem lines such as “Come get some!” You should be giving him mad props, yo! (that’s what the kids are saying nowadays, right? “mad props?”) Anyway, I hope you were joking, sir!

Onto the reason I decided to cover this topic.

I’ve recently invested in a subscription to Game Informer. Not being around the 72 Crew as much as I used to severely severed my finger from the gaming pulse. So I read an article on Duke Nukem: Critical Mass coming out sometime in the Fall for DS and PSP. I’ve checked some screen shots on the intrenets and it DOESN’T LOOK BAD. Let me repeat this, as someone who has played all the Duke Nukem titles (not all the way through after 3D, of course), there is a CHANCE that Critical Mass won’t be a steaming pile of dung. Of course, without seeing actual gameplay it would be premature to say it is going to be a smash. However, don’t you owe Duke Nukem the benefit of the doubt? The answer is yes, unless it’s no.

If you have a DS or PSP, do this legendary video game icon a solid and shell out the cash to pick up Critical Mass. The gameplay for the DS differs from the PSP, but the plot is the same. Who knows, maybe the only reason Duke Nukem Forever is taking… forever… is because they see little interest from gamers. Which is a direct cause of their lack of direction with the other games, I feel. Games today are able to get away with so much, Duke wouldn’t have to feel the unforgiving saber of censorship. He was made for today’s gamers! Imagine that, playing a Duke Nukem game that has all the gore, cursing and scantily clad babes you remember from the days of DN3D.

Put Nukem back on the board, if Critical Mass does well in sales maybe the developers will finally take this project seriously! I’m not saying buy and love it even if it sucks, that’s just silly! If it sucks, let them know it sucks and you want Forever to be the best FPS you’ve played in a long time. Well, they should probably be made aware that there is a demand for Forever. Critical Mass may very well be the testing ground for this. Put a boot to the ass of the developers, as they are on a “when it’s done” timeline.

Doesn’t Duke deserve one last Hoorah?

I no longer think of the Banjo as an instrument of musical wonder, I think of it as a bear. Banjo-Kazooie is one of the most well respected platformers of all time, for good reason!! Back in the day, there was this little company called “Rare”, and they were the best. Not just the best though, they were on top, number one, the big cheese, the chosen one. Rare made the best of the best. Note I said “Made”. Unfortunately for everyone that plays games, Rare has fallen from grace. Over the past 5 years, they’ve made nothing but shit (with the possible exception of Viva Pinata, which was pretty good at best. But enough about Rare, lets get to the game.

(Click images for some high-res awesomeness)

Banjo Kazooie is one of those childhood games that you play and never forget. This game took up the majority of my time while I lived in Oregon between houses. Crammed into a tiny apartment, I adventured across Spiral Mountain, Cranker’s Bay, Mumbo’s Mountain, Freezy Peak, and many other places. The places you’ll go, just like any good game, each have their own feel and style. From an industrial dump to a pirate themed “Treasure Trove Cove”, you’ll remember each and every place you visit.

This goes for characters too. Grunty, the main antagonist, is one of the best written characters in gaming. She has an inferiority complex stemming from her being a self-referenced ‘ugly old hag’. The main story revolving around her wanting to suck the ‘pretty’ out of Banjo’s younger sister ‘Tooty’. Throughout the game, she’ll pop up from time to time taunting you with nursery rhymes. She also has a good sister that will give you trivia throughout your adventures, which shouldn’t be ignored. The casual player will go through the game not paying attention to the little bits of supposedly ‘useless’ information, but at the very end of the game, your survival depends on them. Making you compete in a trivia game show for your life. Its an effective and innovative section.

All in all, this game is something to be experienced. Great music, good graphics considering the time, even though I would like slightly tighter controls, they serve the game well. Play it, love it. Never again will I think that bears and birds can’t team up to stop a wicked witch.

N64 – Banjo-Kazooie

Built off of an improved Goldeneye engine, Perfect Dark was a game that is still truly one of the best first person shooters you could spend your time with. The story is amazing, taking you on all kinds of insane missions. Through the buildings of opposing corporations, to being a stewardess on Air Force One, to infiltrating Area 51 to free a giant-headed little grey man. The mission difficulty, like Goldeneye, does more than give you tougher enemies, it also gives you more mission objectives to accomplish. Perfect Dark is one of those games that you’ll remember for a lifetime.

The single player has an insane number of weapons, all of them with alternate fire modes. Don’t want to use the Laptop Gun as a standard automatic? The use the alt-fire to through the gun at the wall and have it be a robotic turret. Out of ammo in the Dragon Assault Rifle? Throw it in a doorway as a proximity mine. Many of the game’s weapons have crazy uses such as these. Some weapons and attacks leave the person on the business end disoriented, the screen leaving vast amounts of motion blur behind, pretty much ruining any chance you have of aiming correctly. One of these weapons in the tranquilizer gun. Yes, a tranq gun that actually disorients and immobilizes your opponents. Even the AI bots react realistically, running into walls, and flailing their guns around in an effort to put you down. All in all, the weapons are plentiful and memorable.

The multiplayer in the game is just as unforgettable as Goldeneye’s. As usual, 4 people can have at it, tearing each other apart in one of the game’s many multiplayer maps. The game’s ludicrous amount of options paved the way for Time Splitters and Halo’s highly customizable multiplayer modes. The ability to save game settings as a new multiplayer mode is seen in today’s Halo franchise. But options weren’t the only thing Perfect Dark gave you the ability to control. This game contained many customizable multiplayer “Simulants”, or bots. These guys are further broken down into AI difficulty and AI type. Everything from a peace-loving hippy AI to a bot that kills the person in first place, to a bot that is obsessed with disarming people. Did I mention you can disarm people?

The game is a true marvel. It includes options that most games should have included, but don’t to this day. Such as the option for widescreen play (I’m looking at you, last-gen consoles), Co-op everything (and if you don’t have a buddy around, a simulant can help you out), Winner Out/Loser Out multiplayer options, per player gameplay options (control schemes, character models, basic gameplay options), the ability to customize bot AI, and one of my personal favorites, that I’ve never seen in a game since: Counter-Op. Counter-Op is like co-op, only the second person takes the place of an enemy in the game, with that enemy’s particular skills/weapons, if they die, they switch to another enemy. Makes for a wonderful cat-and-mouse gameplay type. Want to shoot a rocker launcher without being in the level? Have a go at the targeting range. Want to immerse yourself in this world even more? Take your shoes off, park on the couch and read the myriad case-files, bios, and documents on all the characters, weapons, missions, and gadgets. This game is, to this day, one of the best shooters you could ever immerse yourself in.

Perfect Dark also has a slew of graphical options, from screen size to the option for “high-res” textures, to the ability to play with two N64 controllers at once (one in each hand). If you’ve never tried “Double” control, I highly suggest you do, its fucking incredible. It actually reminds me of more modern control schemes today.

Side Note: Perfect Dark Zero is a steaming pile of shit, don’t even bother.

N64 – Perfect Dark (30 Mb)