Despite constant setbacks in the development of this game, I’m quite confident of its eventual rise to power. Duke Nukem took the fuck OVER when Duke Nukem 3D hit like Michael Phelps’ bong. Before that, 2 2-D games opened up a pathway for 3D‘s booting badassery. After 3D, developers at 3D Realms discontinued, um, caring about the quality of Duke Nukem games. They made Duke Nukem 64, which included less violence, nudity/sexual themes and no cursing, but they included new levels. One of which was a haunted house which had… no enemies…
What many people forget or didn’t know about DN3D is the massive amount of pop culture references, clever humor and beautifully superfluous violence that made this game so magical. For example, at one point you wander into a chapel of some sort after escaping your own execution. Doesn’t look like much, really, until you look up to find a woman in Puritan garb HANGING BY A NOOSE FROM THE CEILING. Fucked up, yeah? Tip of the iceburg, bitches.
One of many things about the game I recall being really guano crazy were the babes you were supposed to “save.” In 64, they were catering to a wider audience so they had to change what constituted a “saved” babe. All you had to do there was press the action button (which would be used to open doors and unlock… doors) and they would be transported. Here’s where they failed to deliver in 64, the reason the babes need saving is because the aliens were mating with them. That’s right, those babes were getting railed by sextraterrestrials to keep the species going. So most of the chicks you find in the later chapters of 3D were beyond the point of no return. Saying things like “kill me” (Aliens reference) while they stare at you with crazy red eyes, wearing torn (clearly ravaged) bikinis.
Here’s where shit gets sticky: after completing every level you’re shown a screen displaying the number of aliens killed/how many left, how many babes saved/left, etc. You’ll notice the amount of aliens killed correlates with babes saved. Know why that is? Those lucky enough to play 3D back in the day are well aware. In Duke Nukem 3D, the only way to “save” babes is to FUCKING KILL THEM. That’s right, you have to kill them bitches! This pisses the aliens off like you wouldn’t believe. Whenever you kill a babe, whether they’ve been sexed up by aliens or not, a flock of enemies stampede at you. THAT’S how you kill all the aliens in every level. You have to find all the babes to do so.
Before I hit the real reason I started writing this, I’ll say something about the voice actor for Duke. His name is Jon St. John and he kinda seems like a prick. He might be a cool guy but when you attack my boy BRUCE CAMPBELL by calling him a “pampered” Hollywood actor, you’re asking for trouble. Here’s why it was brought up:
Many will recognize some key quotes like “come get some!” and “groovy” from the Evil Dead series. These quotes, as well as a reference to the infamous quote from “They Live!” (“I have come to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of bubblegum”), were IN DUKE NUKEM 3D. When questioned about these quotes, St. John started acting like a bitch and talking shit about Campbell. First off, Jon, were you even a little familiar with the career of Bruce when you called him “pampered?” He’s only recently been getting the attention he deserves… kinda… he deserves way more, actually. Not only that, but the reason you made so much scratch voicing Duke was because of gem lines such as “Come get some!” You should be giving him mad props, yo! (that’s what the kids are saying nowadays, right? “mad props?”) Anyway, I hope you were joking, sir!
Onto the reason I decided to cover this topic.
I’ve recently invested in a subscription to Game Informer. Not being around the 72 Crew as much as I used to severely severed my finger from the gaming pulse. So I read an article on Duke Nukem: Critical Mass coming out sometime in the Fall for DS and PSP. I’ve checked some screen shots on the intrenets and it DOESN’T LOOK BAD. Let me repeat this, as someone who has played all the Duke Nukem titles (not all the way through after 3D, of course), there is a CHANCE that Critical Mass won’t be a steaming pile of dung. Of course, without seeing actual gameplay it would be premature to say it is going to be a smash. However, don’t you owe Duke Nukem the benefit of the doubt? The answer is yes, unless it’s no.
If you have a DS or PSP, do this legendary video game icon a solid and shell out the cash to pick up Critical Mass. The gameplay for the DS differs from the PSP, but the plot is the same. Who knows, maybe the only reason Duke Nukem Forever is taking… forever… is because they see little interest from gamers. Which is a direct cause of their lack of direction with the other games, I feel. Games today are able to get away with so much, Duke wouldn’t have to feel the unforgiving saber of censorship. He was made for today’s gamers! Imagine that, playing a Duke Nukem game that has all the gore, cursing and scantily clad babes you remember from the days of DN3D.
Put Nukem back on the board, if Critical Mass does well in sales maybe the developers will finally take this project seriously! I’m not saying buy and love it even if it sucks, that’s just silly! If it sucks, let them know it sucks and you want Forever to be the best FPS you’ve played in a long time. Well, they should probably be made aware that there is a demand for Forever. Critical Mass may very well be the testing ground for this. Put a boot to the ass of the developers, as they are on a “when it’s done” timeline.
Doesn’t Duke deserve one last Hoorah?
