Holy fuck…can it be? Yea I’m back for the first time in 10 months and Mondays are going to be my time to shine with my new Sega Genocide segment where I review old games for the Genesis. None the less, this week I decided to get this all started with a game that fell through the cracks that might be one of the more violent games to date. This game I am talking about is Mutant League Hockey which was actually a cannon sequal to Mutan Legaue Football (which I shall review another time). This game was made by Electronic Arts back in 1994 and it does nothing but kick major amounts of ass. Now I know what alot of you are probably thinking why in the hell would I play a hockey game if im not a fan of sports. Well you should clean the sand out of your vagina and give this game a good and honest try.
Yea This game kicks alot of ass.
Ok now to get to the review portion of this. Let me explain this concept, first off this is a hockey game where you play as skeletons, trolls, and robots. EA looks like they took a decent amount of time on the graphics as they seem to have been done in a very cartooney style compared to their actual NHL hockey games of the time. These cartooney graphics work well because in this game you play as these badasses in what could be an alternate dimension or Hell, all depending on how you look at it (Satan himself is actually on the side of the rink watching between the benches as you play). Another rediclious thing about this game is the fact that they are full of fucking puns for the team names such as the Black Hearts instead of the Blackhawks and there are many more. Hell the players are even more rediclious. The games best player is named Bones Jackson which is a reference to Bo Jackson who mind you never played hockey but remember this is a sequal to a football game.
Yea Bones Jackson the best hockey playing skeleton in the Galaxy.
Look what makes this game unique in a big way is how all the arenas have pitfalls. Some could be fire pits, some could just trap you under the ice some even have spikes on the walls. It all depends, one even has a “Demon Goal” which basically means even if your goalie is a pile of ass the other team may not score cause the goal could close its mouth and prevent a goal. Now the controls could be better at times but name another hockey game where you can:
1. Kill your opponents with a chainsaw, mace, or your bare fist if your man enough to fuck someone up.
2. You can have games forfeited due to the massive amount of death you reign down on your opponent.
3. A game where you can shoot an exploding puck to kill the other teams goalie or best player just to get ahead in the game.
4. Where you can score two goals at once by shooting from a certain distance.
Obviously you can play with line changes and penalties just like real hockey, but if you just go ahead and play with the violence turned up line changes wont be needed cause your players will die anyway. Another thing is how you can turn on the violence to rediclious levels on a scale of 1 to 5. I shall describe them if you are afraid of your players to die or your a pussy stick to one so you don’t get your ego bruised as your right wing gets killed with a chainsaw to the face. If your a man whos diet consists of Motor Oil and scrap metal then go on 5. Yea your players will die, and Hell if you do a tournament mode they are lost fot the whole thing. I will be damned if you ever get to finish a game on level five without a forfit due to death. The music and sounds to this game are awesome. I mean if you win a fight it plays the funeral march followed by some trippy music all while it pulls up a “fight card” showing the stats of the fight. They even have a sweet song for when you win the game which is basically the whole “stomp stomp clap” you hear at hockey games and other sporting events except this one is better. Alot of the music and sounds can be generic yes, but the sound effects of certain players when they score or commit a penalty make this game awesome. All the players have profiles but only a few look different than stock characters. If im not mistaken it probably comes out to 2 skeletons, 2 trolls, and 1 robot named GIL 9000 who might be the most badass character in the game.
This is the biggest and most badass robot in the galaxy The GIL-9000.
Word to the wise if you want to play this game and dominate pick the Galaxy Aces against the Mighty Wieners, I swear if you lose that game you might as well find the nearest pistol and write a note to your family load the gun and pull the trigger because you might be the worst video game player in the history of any video game (I would also accept razor blade to wrist or even rope to neck its your choice really). Yes this picture below is an actual player from the Mighty Wieners and yea hes a reserve but fuck is he bad.
This pussy would be destroyed with one punch from GIL-9000.
In all honesty if I were to choose a regular team to play as I would pick the Midway Monsters because they have good offence and good defence and actually have two star players on their team in Bones Jackson and Grim McSlam. If you get the oppertunity to either buy this or play it I suggest you do even if your not a fan of hockey you should like violence unless your name is Jack Thompson so man up this game is one for the ages mutant or not.
