The cover shown above is the reason I invested in Sega via system purchase.
A long time ago, in a Toys R Us not far away (depending on where you are while reading this),
I walked by the glass video game case and saw what would alter (get it!?!?! lollololololololololol) how I reacted toward them forever.
I remember this being a bitch to play way back when,
in the days of the single digit age.
This is still the case.
You have to know what is coming or you’re done, son!
For those who haven’t had the pleasure of getting your preconceived notion of “your skill”
Drugged and violated while it sleeps to wake up to a crotch full of clamidia,
You’re in for a defeat treat!
“Rise From Your Grave”
The words that will both encourage and haunt you open the game in a graveyard… imagine that.
At which point you, in fact rise from your grave and are immediately attacked by zombies.
“Attack” isn’t exactly what they do,
But MAN do they… walk… in your general direction.
But kill them before they start blinking or they’ll self destruct and you’ll look like a fool.
Zombie-related problems are relatively easy to remedy in this case.
They are dismantled with little effort.
If you have thumbs, zombies shouldn’t be a problem at this point.
However, there are many more cuddly creatures to curtail your victory.
A Hamlet/Yorick hyrbid that punches you,
purple blobs that leap into the air and suffocate your face,
and Babe the Blue Ox from Paul fuckin’ Bunyan
Just to name a few.
Eventually, you’ll take down the mighty shrunken blue ox and he’ll turn into an orb.
Grab that bitch and you’ll begin the altering process.
Each time you alter you become stronger and bulkier.
Tearing the shirt open so you can be sure he got stronger.
While his pecks begin to glisten in the sun
you’ll realize how much you dig his body.
Why are you checking him out?
(I was going to make that into one big, absurdly worded gay joke to weird you out but it would have required a lot of effort
and I have homework to do… and games to play…
And they’re going through a lot so take it easy on them, ya homophobe!)
Grab three orbs altogether and you will …
ALTER…
INTO A BEAST!
Truck surfing, dancing and backflipping your way through the level
until you put down your air guitar to battle Neff, the cock who kidnapped Athena
(That happened, by the way. That is why Zeus brings you back from the dead in the first place…
Which I also neglected to mention).
He’ll say “Welcome to your doom!” and will transform into a…
I wouldn’t even know how to slap a title on that thing.
There seem to be a lot of references to Greek mythology, maybe it stems from that.
He turns alters into a different creature at the end of every level.
(the battle in level 2 is really easy if you know how to do it)
The best advice I can give to make it through this game is to make sure you get those 3 orbs ASAP.
Otherwise, you’ll approach Neff and not be able to fight him.
Then the level continues until you get the orbs necessary to alter into a BEAST.
It is possible to collect orbs after you’ve altered to BEAST form but they do nothing.
You’d think they’d be cool about it an maybe tack on another health bar
But that seems to be a little demanding of Sega
So collect those orbs immediately.
That way you don’t have to waste hits/lives on monsters, blobs and whatnot because you’re gonna need them…
For the sake of survival…
…
…
…
But seriously, nab those orbs immediately so you can transform.
You’ll have special moves that involve projectiles and hitting things with your animal body.
Eventually you’ll get to turn into a bear and cannonball around the screen.
…
OOH! And a draaaaaagon...
That shoots bolts of electricity.
I’ll allow it.
Really, I can’t tell you how to beat the game other than playing it until you know it better than yourself.
But there’s no reason to do that since it isn’t a great game.
It just barely makes it over the “good” mark.
However, it is definitely a game you’ll want to check out if you want a challenge.
Don’t waste more time than you need to but… you know what? Do go… you’ll have fun.
This is like a coffee shop review *snaps fingers* of Altered Beast with lite drumming in the background. An audio version of this review would be boss.
I follow your blog for a long time and must tell that your articles always prove to be of a high value and quality for readers.
thank you for the kind words and your continued reading of 72pc. we try to have fun with these articles so hearing they are of “high value and quality” makes me root chakra tingle. cheers!